Nine days ago I checked myself into the Spring Valley hospital to have my ovarian cysts removed. As I was waiting in Pre-op my doctor came in, and we realized that she wasn’t totally sure what side my cysts were on. I guess it doesn’t really matter either way, but it didn’t exactly make me feel awesome. She said she would “get in there and take care of whatever needed to be done. ” Not exactly words of comfort as you’re about to be sliced open. Then as I was being wheeled into the O.R., I see this really cute young resident talking with my doctor telling me how excited he is to get to sit in on my surgery. He’s looking at me like a meat kabob and I can see how excited he is to look at my organs. I felt like practically begging the anesthesiologist to just hurry and put me under.

I woke up a few hours later in the recovery area in the most intense pain I believe I have ever felt in my entire life. My whole body was screaming from pain. I could hardly breathe it hurt so bad. My nurse was nowhere to be seen, and the pain was so intense that I immediately threw up liquid all over myself and then passed out again. Nobody ever bothered to come over and clean me up, and I had to yell for someone to give me pain medication. After 2 doses of morphine and a dose of Toradol…. I finally felt some relief. FINALLY!!

I was eventually discharged after very mediocre care and sent home. On the car ride home Chris told me the doctor had to remove a cyst from each side. The cyst on the right ovary was an easy fix. The cyst on the Left ovary was vary large, almost 6cm, and it was a dermoid cyst. For those of you who don’t know what a dermoid cyst is…. it honestly freaked me out when he told me. It is a cyst/tumor that has basically gone “Rogue”. The cells have started to divide, but without being fertilized. So it can contain hair, skin, teeth, bone, glands… etc. I know… it’s disgusting. I can’t believe I’m actually writing this. They can sometimes be cancerous. (Which by the way, the tests came back and it is not!) I was really shocked and freaked out but at the same time I felt a little relieved to finally have a cause or reason for some of my problems. Because of the large Dermoid Cyst,  she had to totally clean me out. Which I think sort of beat up my insides in the process but I am grateful that she was cautious and thorough. Other than that, everything went well.

Sooo…. it’s 9 days later and my mom just left today. I am so grateful for her help this week. I could not have done it without her. My mom left for the weekend, and returned on monday, but monday morning I was supposed to drop ava off to my friend alison’s house for a play date. Ava was being very naughty, and I was in excruciating pain. I left her alone for about 10 minutes, and in that time she found me coconut oil and poured it all over my kitchen floor and dishwasher. I was in dispair. The thought of steaming my floor was too much. So I loaded Ava up in the car and took her to ALison’s house. After about 2 minutes at the door, my dear friend Alison was so sweet and I promptly burtst into tears on her doorstep and practically melted into a puddle. My reaction then upset Ava, and she promptly began to start bawling and need comfort herself. I was beyond myself, it was just too much. I tried to calm my child down, and ended up walking out of alison’s house still in tears feeling bad for upsetting ava, a little embarrassed, in excruciating pain, and dreading the coconut oil on my floor. We survived the ordeal, and my mom showed up to save the day…. THANKFULLLY!!!

It’s been a rough experience. I was NOT anticipating this extensive of a surgery or recovery. However the good news is, my doctor SAYS I should not have any trouble getting pregnant now with the dermoid cyst gone. We will see. I am going to start another cycle in January. If the cysts return. I’m done. I cannot do this again. It’s too much. It’s not about a positive attitude, it’s just too hard on me, on my family, and I can’t handle any more physical pain. I think I have met my quota and I am praying that at the very least even if the cycle doesn’t work…. PLEASE NO MORE CYSTS!!!

Anyway…. it’s a slow process. I’m getting better and better every day. Currently I’m still heavily medicated, but I really think in a day or two I can start tapering down my doses.

Thanks to everyone for their well wishes, and support with Ava!! I would not have survived the last 9 days without all of your Food and childcare!! I can never verbalize how much I appreciate the thought and generosity!!  I love you all!!!!

I FINALLY got approval from my insurance so I can have surgery to remove my cyst. I found out about 2 weeks ago I needed it….. and now they can’t fit me in until something like December 7th. I mean… good thing it’s not life threatening or anything, Geez. I am beyond frustrated at this point. The best way I can describe how I’m feeling is that I feel TOTALLY DEFLATED. I’m not exactly sure what I was even expecting throughout this process, I knew it was going to be difficult. I guess I just did not anticipate that everything would be so emotionally stressful. With the holidays, the surgery, the fertility meds, etc… there is no way that I can even plan on starting another cycle until January.

How do women do this?? How do they find the stamina and strength to just keep at it? There’s a part of me that just wants to throw my hands up in the air and say…. “You Win!! I’m not doing this anymore, and maybe by some miracle it’ll happen naturally and I don’t have to endure this anymore!”.  Then the type A personality comes out and says to me, “Now Marta, don’t be a quitter. If you really want this, you’re going to have to work for it. It’s not going to happen naturally so just suck it up and eventually you’ll get what you want. You know the end result is worth it.”

I haven’t exactly decided what voice I’m going to listen to.

The other part that makes me crazy is I feel so emotionally raw all the time. My condition of PCOS definitely causes a hormone imbalance and best thing for me is to be on birth control, which for obvious reasons…. I’m not. Then with the fertility meds, it’s like throwing a wrench in the mix. And last but not least… I’m consistently having health issues and I can’t seem to  seem to get my body to the place I want it to be. Sooo… are my crazy emotions rational, hormonal, or just part of infertility? Who knows… but I’m doing my best to manage them and be the happy person I know I am. I miss not worrying about this stuff. I miss the ignorant bliss of thinking if I just set a goal, and stick to it… it will simply come true.

I’m Deflated tonight. I need to find a way to inflate myself before Chris gets home from work. Thank goodness for Ava and her seriously big eyes to make me feel better.

My DEAR SWEET ANGEL turns 2 today!! I can hardly believe that it’s been 2 years since our lives were completely turned upside down.
We first saw you like this…

Then…. after torturing me endlessly because you wouldn’t come out….. don’t worry love….you were totally worth it…….you finally took your first breath and joined us in this world.

You just kept getting bigger and bigger…..

And our hearts miraculously seemed to get bigger and bigger……

I can’t imagine our world without you…. dare I say I have even become a little obsessed with you?…… oh well, I said it….

Ava,

Thank you for bringing a perspective and awareness into our family that allows us to live a more purposeful life. Our lives are fuller, our hearts are richer, and our love is limitless.

Happy 2nd Birthday, and may you celebrate COUNTLESS more in your future!!!

Love You!!
Love Mom and Dad

So… I have been so terrible lately at keeping up with my blog, and frankly I don’t even think anyone even reads it anymore. I use it more as a journal for myself, and even if there are other readers, I don’t write anything that I would be embarrassed to share anyway. So, for the need to have some sort of writing outlet for myself I am going to use my blog. Perfect right?

Sooo…. a few months ago I started the process of fertility testing. I have been diagnosed with the condition, PCOS – Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically, it affects everything. My weight, acne, no menses, and I grow cysts in my ovaries. It’s sort of a complicated condition, so I won’t bother listing everything about it other than it basically wrecks havoc on your hormones. Which by the way, now totally makes sense looking back at my severe post pardom when I had Ava. I wish I had more information back then so I could have taken better care of myself while I endured through it. Anyway, it also can cause infertility. Soooo… that is where I begin my journey with trying to have another child.

I made a goal to take care of myself, lose some weight, and take my metformin regularly to help with my insulin resistance. Once I did that I started my first fertility cycle. Unfortunately I wasn’t even able to start on time due to 2 cycsts growing on each side of my ovaries. The one on the right was very large and I was required to have a cyst aspiration where they drained 60cc from from the one side, then they drained the other side. That my friend, was extremely painful, I pray I won’t have to do it again. Once that was done, I was given the green light to move forward with the treatment. I paid my $2,500 to cover everything, and Chris started injecting me every night. I thought things were going great, I wasn’t having any side affects from the medications, and I was trying to keep a positive attitude. I was excited to finally be making progress, and it felt good to have some control over what I was experiencing.  Then last friday I was having a routine ultrasound, and there was another large cyst that had burst. I immediately knew things weren’t looking good. I was having some abdominal discomfort, and I was feeling a little sick. I spoke with the doctor and we agreed to move forward with treatment. Later that afternoon I got a call from the nurse. My body was not responding to the fertility medication, and I needed to immediately stop  treatment and schedule surgery at the nearby hospital. Obviously, I was very disappointed to get that far, and have to stop. Now I’m back at square one,  I’m going to have to pay my copays again… and I gotta have surgery. GOOD. TIMES.

So, I am currently waiting on my not-awesome insurance to approve my surgery *insert HUGE eyeroll here* and let me get back to healthy. And of course, I immediately came down with the flu…. which I am currently battling.

This is not exactly what I had in mind when I thought about family planning, but I must admit that there have been some blessings come from my experience. I truly believe I took our daughter Ava for granted before. Obviously I love her more than life itself, but the daily routine was monotenous. I needed to truly appreciate the gift of a child, and the gift of motherhood. I have noticed a change in Chris as a father. His eyes light up when she walks in the room. It has truly made us more appreciative of the miracle of life, and the gift we have been given through our little angel. I see the newfound Joy in Chris and his role as a father. I just don’t know that we would have had this perspective had we not been forced to live the experience of infertility. I don’t feel bitter or angry, or question God. There’s a part of me that feels gratitude, and a true sense of humbleness. Life truly is a miracle, and I hope as I battle through this experience, I will have some clarity on what to do, and peace with whatever results we get along the way. I realize I am just in the beginning, and I might have a very long road ahead of me. I hope to sort of document my experiences on this blog not only for myself, but perhaps for Ava if she ever finds herself in my shoes. Maybe theres a child out there waiting for us and he/she can read how much we wanted them to be a part of our family. How much they were loved before they came to us.      I don’t know… these are just my random thoughts. But most of all… I think I just need an outlet. No judgement. No advice. I just need to say it. This is a difficult and emotional rollercoaster, and I think it’s silly to pretend that it’s not. My infertility is not a secret, I am not ashamed. I didn’t ask for this, but it is now a part of me. I totally accept it, and I accept whatever comes along with it. The good, and the bad.

The next step… I wait for surgery.  After that….. I don’t know. But I’ll keep ya’ posted.

I made this video to show at the party for everyone. Enjoy!!

This year our stake did something a little different. Our stake President was getting released, so he wanted to do something really special with the youth for his last youth conference. Sooo… He rented the church facilities at the camp grounds of Heber City for the entire Anthem Youth Stake. It was a gorgeous place to be, and it was also a place that you could feel the spirit because it is so far removed from the worldly distractions. It was so peaceful and I love being in nature with the modern day conveniences. Amazing facility.

Everyone was broken into families and placed with people they didn’t know, so there was some anxiety there as everyone got to know one another. Eventually, the ice was broken and groups really started to “gel”. Kari and I slept in the kitchen because we were there to do one of the workshops that all the kids would rotate through. At first I was a little disappointed to not be assigned a set of kids, but then I realized that it was actually better for us because we pretty much had the freedom  to come and go as we pleased when we weren’t doing our class. SWEET!!! It was awesome!!

Even though we had a blast at the dance, teasing the kids, hiking, ropes course, attending the other classes… Kari and I did have to buckle down and get serious. About 2 weeks before YC, I received a phone call asking if we would agree to do one of the workshops last minute due to an emergency. We happily agreed, and the workshop was called, “A Heart Like His”. I was sent the original script, and it just didn’t work for me. It wasn’t written for either Kari or I, and we just didn’t feel like it was the direction that we wanted to go. Soooo, we kept the title, and the concept was the same, but we completely rewrote everything else. Our objective was to make it LESS of a class, and MORE of an interactive discussion.

The purpose of , “A Heart Like His”  was to get the kids to try and break down their walls, and really let people see them for who they are. But more importantly, See themselves as Christ sees us, and see others as Christ sees them. I started off with a personal story about how I had a friend from school commit suicide when I was a teenager. It really affected me, and it made me reevaluate how I interact with others, and if I “really knew” my friends. Maybe if he was able to see himself the way Christ does, or if he was able to connect more with those around him… maybe he wouldn’t have felt so alone, isolated, or lonely.

Kari tied it all together perfectly which led into our activities….. the meat of our class.

We asked everyone to line up and stand behind the line, and a few yards away we drew another line. We would read a question and for every time a question applied to them… they would have to cross the line.

• “Cross the line if you or someone you care about has ever been teased because of your religion.”

• “Cross the line if you’ve ever felt pressure from your friends or an adult to do something you didn’t want to do and felt sorry or ashamed afterwards.”

• “Cross the line if you’ve ever stood by and watched while someone was hurt and said or did nothing because you were too afraid.”

We read about 20 questions like this, and it was amazing to see how many times every single person crossed the line. It showed the kids that they have more in common with each other than they previously thought, and it also showed them that insecurity and doubt do not discriminate…. it touched the lives of almost every single youth at that camp. I think it was refreshing, and enlightening for them.

The next activity we broke everyone up into groups of 8 with an adult in each group. We had suggestions, and helps for each group, and then we asked the to go around the circle and each person had 2 minutes to finish the sentence, “If You Really Knew Me, You’d know that…” WOW. Talk about a powerful phrase. It was amazing to see how simply saying that phrase could bring someone to tears. I was so touched that the kids really had the courage to be so honest, and break down the walls with each other. There were so many tears shed during those classes because of the heartfelt things that were said. It bonded everyone together, and I truly felt that those experiences were moments that these kids would never forget. Both boys and girls were affected by the experiences, and I hope it made as big of an impact on them as it did on me observing and facilitating the groups. Those few moments of vulnerability were sooo refreshing!!!

On the last night, we pulled our kids aside and did a little devotional with just our youth. The leaders had asked all the parents to write letters to their kids before we left. All of us adult leaders said a few words to the youth, and then the letters were handed out for them to read. It was touching to see how the sweet words of their parents affected them. I was so grateful to be with our youth at that beautiful location. I felt the spirit so strongly during those few days, and my testimony grows so much when I get to be a part of these activities. It’s so uplifting and I’m grateful for the opportunity to not only experience it, but contribute to THEIR experience as a leader and friend. GOOD TIMES.

Some of my favorite experiences were the AWESOME firesides!! So touching, entertaining, and spiritual. I loved the hike where we talked about how to “Be a Lady”. Great advice from Sis Hunt. I love her. Of course, I loved the experience of teaching our workshop, and I loved meeting and interacting with all the other adult leaders! So FUN! Actually…. now that I think about it.. there were just too many wonderful things to list now. Amazing experience!!

In our ward we have an annual tradition where we take the youth on an overnight trip to Zion National Park to hike the Narrows. It’s quite the production, especially when there is NO.. but we made it work nonetheless. THanks to some awesome families willing to take in a bunch of crazy teenagers. Shannara’s parents housed the girls, and a relative of the Bishop took the boys. Very generous I must say. I think everyone was a little amped got to bed late.

We left on Friday afternoon, and our first stop was the St. George Temple visitors Center. We took pictures and watched the new Joseph Smith movie. It was a great experience, and I think all the kids liked the movie since many had not seen it before.

The following morning we packed up to meet the boys where they cooked us breakfast in the backyard. Wait…. let me rephrase that….. we met the boys where the adult YM leaders cooked us all breakfast and the YM stood around teasing the girls and showing off in typical teenage fashion. (I can’t blame them, I realize they sorta can’t help it.

Then… off for the Narrows!!!

Everyone had such a great time on this trip. It gave me the opportunity to spend time with the other leaders and get to know them better. It was also a great opportunity to spend time with the Young Men since I rarely see them for extended periods of time. It really helped build our relationships, and I felt so much closer to everyone by the end. I was exhausted, and literally went home LIMPING from the treacherous rock balancing of our 5 hour hike. Those were easily the worst blisters I have ever experienced in my life. YIKES!! Totally worth it though. I love our youth, and I hope these are the kind of experiences they never forget.

Sooo… I missed girls camp this year because I didn’t have anyone to watch Ava. Bummer because it sounds like I TOTALLY missed out on an awesome experience with my girls!!! DANG!!!

This summer was CRAZY!! It was full of really fun Youth activities and trips that I want to quickly catch up on. I am really enjoying the time that I get to spend with the kids, and I feel like I’m learning more from my calling than they are learning from me!! The next few posts will be updates from this summer activities…

Oh yeah… and we have a tradition of toilet papering someone on the night of special activities. We have found that it really creates a special bond between all the girls when they get to participate in a little harmless mischief as a group.  It’s for the sake of the young women program…. not because it’s a blast or anything…..

I have been so busy lately! I am finally taking a moment to sit down at my computer and post a few photos. I can’t say that I’ve particularly been doing anything extremely exciting or productive…. just the typical day to day stuff of a stay at home mother. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, chaufering, entertaining….etc….. an utterly thrilling existence let me tell you. I am always amazed by the fact that one minute Ava can behave like a little wild animal/wildebeast and I am so frustrated I am on the verge of breaking down in tears…. then the very next moment she can do something so sweet those feelings of frustration and anxiety are erased. We have quite the relationship! Ava has become much more independent and she spends most of her time attempting to claim her independence and running at top speeds away from me. Today she got away from me and shattered the glass in a picture frame when she slammed it on the floor, and somehow managed to steal a fresh loaf of french bread to run all over the living room with like it was her new best friend. I’ve never seen a little girl squeal of delight over a loaf of bread. She LOVES testing my patience, and I having alot of growing to do because I get frustrated all the time with her. The best is when we don’t have to go anywhere and we get to stay at home and play. She is such a happy, and funny little girl. I spend so much of the day cracking up with her. She’s not speaking yet, so pretty much all day I hear. ” Oh NO!!!”, or “Whoodat?!”, or “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom…”. I REALLY am trying to cherish these moments with her. I know they are short lived, and one day I will look back on them fondly and wish I had enjoyed it more. Soo… I’m working toward living in the moments and enjoying them.

On that note, we did another family photo shoot for Ava’s 18 month photos. She is SOO big now!! I can hardly stand to see her like this! She was pretty naughty at the shoot, but Megan did an amazing job at capturing those faction-of-a-second candid moments. Prepare yourselves for a ridiculous amount of photos and extreme cuteness!!! (Not us.. Ava. HA!)